The Truth

“What is the truth?”-Pontius Pilate trying to be a smartass.

“You want the truth?You can’t handle the truth.”-Jack Nicholson on Tom Cruise wanting to sleep with The Truth.

“I always tell the truth.Even when I lie”-Al Pacino on how he rats out everyone's secrets to Inspector The Truth.

Truth-(not to be confused with the pro-wrestler with the in-ring name R-Truth who knows just one silly rap song and sings it every time and has jobbed in more matches than anyone in the history of pro-wrestling.And all characters in this article are fictional.Including the pro-wrestler mentioned in the previous sentence.Any resemblance is purely co-incidental.Now go chew on that.)

The truth is one of the most ambigious characters in human history.It is often said to be biased towards victors and unfair towards the defeated.The Truth could also be a bad sit-com starring Gerard Butler and Jon Cryer where there is nothing to laugh about but the laughter track is still rolling on the floor laughing.But that is just digressing from  the point of the article which is to find the truth.

The truth is someone whom  everyone claims to be looking for but no-one actually likes.

Case in point-

“I am a really bad person”-to this statement the answer in 90 percent of the case should be yes TRUTHfully.But the tried and tested answer which works in this case is “No your not”.

Truth has a hot girlfriend called Lies-whom everyone likes because she’s kind of a slut and usually satisfies everyone.As is the hypocritic nature of human beings everyone claims to hate lies but everyone is in bed with her.Yet truth sticks with this cheating bitch because without Lies there won’t be the Truth.

In his young age the truth used to be a very athletic and gullible guy.All brawns no brains.That’s why he could easily be twisted and manipulated.Nowadays no one bothers with that though.Whenever there’s a job to be done everyone employs his girlfriend.

Truth used to be bosom buddies with the fictional character Yudhistira-But he wasn’t much of an adviser.When he listened to truth Yudhistira lost his kingdom,had to go live in a forrest and share his wife with his 4 bro-hams.But one day after he listened to his other pal Krishna instead of Truth-he got back everything.Since then truth is never the best friend of everyone.

Truth is usually disliked by most because he is very arrogant and brash and doesn’t care for people’s feelings.Then there’s this dude called Poetic Justice whom Truth can’t stand and hamper his work at every possible chance.

Despite all his shortcomings-everyone meets Truth once in a life face to face-and even though he is a no-good angry foul-mouthed son of a bitch-most usually feel lighter after they have met him.Which is why I guess he still lives on to this day.

And with that I conclude this article.My parents did not send me to study engineering for this.Yet this is how pathetic I have become.And that’s the TRUTH.

How to be an Indian Intellectual in 10 easy steps

1.Hate Orkut.Show it.Even if you don’t hate orkut-show some hatred.Ridicule it.Generalize it’s users.This will earn you 10000 points in your intellectual account.

2.Show your public hatred of Chetan Bhagat.You may like him but do you want to be an intellectual or not?Remember how many crappy and clichéd IIT novels he inspired and your job will become easier.

3.Show your hatred for Twilight and Justin Bieber.Show it regularly.Show it frequently.Nothing says intellectual better than I hate Twilight and Bieber.It’s ok if you have no idea who or what they are.Most don’t so nobody’s gonna test you.

4.Be a communist.Or act like one.Throw in the words Marx,Lenin,philosophy,ideals,Che Guavera,Communist Manifesto in your conversations.Trust me no one will know the difference.Real communists will take the word out of your mouth and give you a long-winded explaination.Fakers won’t know the difference.They will think you are some big wiseass.

5.Now,this one is worth a 1000000 points so listen up carefully-Grow long hair.Wear some junk jewellery.Doesn’ matter if you are a guy or a girl.Dope and booze and wear Jim Morrison T-shirts.Form a band with another couple of wannabe intellectuals.Post pictures of yourself playing a guitar or boozing on Facebook.There ya go.You are an intellectual.It’s ok if you have no idea of who Jim Morrison,Kurt Cobain,Metallica etc are.Most of them don’t.

6.Now you have to realize how important Facebook is for this purpose.Facebook can make you.For example if you have seen half of Citizen Kane and felt pretty bored-it doesn’t matter.Go to Facebook and like Citizen Kane,Orson Welles and anything remotely related to that movie.Because intellectual people like Citizen Kane-do you want to be or intellectual or not?then suppose you overhear or oversee a couple of guys discussing French New Wave-you don’t have to know what it is-just go and like the damn thing on Facebook will you?Facebook likes are meant for showboating only.

7.Pretend to be a soccer fan.You don’t have to be one.Just say I support Manchester United.Remember they win a lot of trophies and you want to come off as an winner don’t you?Nowadays you can also support Barcelona-And on match-days you don’t even have to watch the goddamned matches-just update your status on Facebook and tweet with the following from time to time- “Go Barcaaaaaaaa” “GGMU” “Go Messiiiiiiiii”.

8.Show your hatred for commercial Bollywood.Make fun of Bollywood in every possible way.Even if you watch every damn movie of Bollywood-but remember-you are now becoming an intellectual and intellectuals hate Bollywood!!You can be an Aamir Khan or Anurag Kashyap fan though-most people think they are “different” making “different” movies-You don’t have to know like their movies-Just praise them a lot.And your job is done.

9.Use the F-word the MF-word,the B-word a lot.Throw it in before as many words as you can.That’s what intellectuals do.Don’t you watch MTV and Channel V reality shows?F-words are the in thing-so use them.

10.Write wannabe smart-ass blog posts which are hopelessly derivative or completely devoid of humour.Like this one.If you blog no one can stop you from being considered an intellectual.

20TH OCTOBER 2017

Good Evening ladies and gentlemen.I am your news host for now and let’s have a look at the top news stories today-


~Wipro has threatened to leave India after the Eden Gardens incident in which some angry tollygunge agragami supporters burnt down Eden Gardens after a cricket field brawl,ensuing from a dubious no-ball call,blew out of proportions.This is the third cricket-ground vandalism incident of the year.Although experts are at a loss how this would possibly effect wipro.I,my friends am at a loss thinking who these experts are.I saw a guy who used to pass the exams cheating in college being addressed as an expert


~After successfully having banned MTV,Channel V,Zoom,AXN,FTV among others the Shiv Sena party today urged the government to ban the sports channel Ten Sports as they felt the skirts worn by the female hockey players in hockey matches shown by the channel are indecent.On similar grounds they have also called for a ban on ESPN and Star Sports with respect to female tennis players.


~In a bid to cement their reputation as a secular party the Indian National Congress today passed a bill making Din-e-Elahi the national religion of Inida.
In related news ,members of the BJP today burned effigies of Superman and Batman showing their disapproval for what they term as the gay leanings of these American superheroes.A top BJP leader today stated that it was obvious that any male person who wore underwears on the outside was obviously gay.


Entertainement News:

~Sanjay Leela Bhansali today announced his next movie-Pink.Bhansali had previously made movies on six different colours most of which bombed-both commercially and critically.Undeterred,Bhansali is making his next movie which have a feministic theme and is about two college girls who will be played by Ranbir Kapoor and Aamir Khan.


~Himesh Reshammiya today quashed all rumours about dating Rakhi Sawant.In an impassioned statement the actor stated that his present situation was very frustrating but not even that frustrating.He also announced that he would be soon having a plastic surgery done and hopes to do a Michael Jackson.


~Meanwhile Abhishek Bachchan and John Abraham-who now rival the popularity of the SRK-Kajol pair are returning together again for their next movie-Dostana-se thoda zyada-In this movie Abhishek and John play a happily married gay couple whose lives are rocked by the arrival of a sexy stranger played by Hrithik Roshan.This is the 7th time they play a gay couple.Their last film together was Paap Punyam in which they played a star-crossed couple during the vedic ages.


~Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie today adopted their 32nd baby from a Chinese family.Pitt said that their aim was to reach 50 by 2020.
~In other news,Johnny Depp was arrested for the murder of 5 people in New York.Depp,known for his method acting,said he was preparing for his role as a serial killer in an upcoming movie.


Sports News:

~Sachin Tendulkar confirmed he will be playing for India in the next World Cup.


~Arsenal coach Arsene Wenger was sacked today after Arsenal’s 11th trophyless season.Wenger was almost immediately appointed the coach of the French national team.Wenger said it was like a homecoming for him.


~Cristiano Ronaldo today retired from football after 8 years with Real Madrid.When asked what were his plans for the future,Ronaldo replied that he was looking forward to opening a strip bar in his own house as he found it cumbersome to travel..


~The Sourav Ganguly coached Kolkata Knight Riders today suffered their 8th defeat of the season.Surprisingly all of these were by a single run.Owner Shah Rukh Khan said he had already sent an sms to each player to cheer them up.Cricket experts in Bengal however unanimously concurred that this was a clear conspiracy to end Sourav’s career as coach.

That’s the news from now.Thank you and good night.

Ramblings of a wasted morning

Its been raining incessantly from the morning.Usually on days like this I would be fighting my way through a crowded office-time bus,half-drenched,cursing below my breath while trying to reach that fiasco of an institution(is that even proper English?) I have come to call my college over the past three years.But since our good-for-nothing departmental football team miraculously qualified for the quarter-finals we-those sane people who didn’t find going to play football to the other end of city and getting drenched in the rain for 5 hours a very attractive prospect-got an unexpected holiday.
Its holidays like these that really bother me.Now,I don’t know if you know this,but I consider myself to be a very active and energetic person.When I have holidays I plan for them 10 days beforehand and I follow my routine of watching movies,reading comics or winning gang wars in computer games very strictly.So when the routine gets upset,so do I.But being a very persistent fellow,I decided not to waste the day,but use it for doing some constructive work.
The first thing that I thought of doing was studying and completing the syllabus for my forth-coming internals.On days like this when I feel like studying,I am a difficult guy to control.I started thinking.Maybe if I started studying now and study 8-9 hours straight I might get the syllabus for at least 3 subjects completed.I envisioned my mother urging me to stop studying and have dinner.”You have studied a lot” she is saying “I wont let you study anymore.You will become sick.Come and have some food.Watch a movie”;but I tell her “No ma,I gotta finish this right now;this is the only aim in my life;let me pursue this obsession of mine”.See this is how enthusiastic I get.But I have tremendous control over myself.And I exercise that control to keep myself away from books.See I have to do all these to protect my reputation.Because I firmly believe that the most valuable possession of a man is his reputation.Actually those were Shakespeare’s words (in whatever freaky old English he wrote,bless his soul).But he died about 400-500 years ago so I don’t think he would mind too much.
So anyways,I lost a lot of time in visualizing all this.”Damn” I thought irritably “There goes a perfectly usable half an hour.Totally wasted.I better begin watching a movie or something.”But it’s easier said than done.I began watching The Deer Hunter which I have heard was a classic.Moreover it starred Robert De Niro who is my favourite actor.A classic with your favourite actor.What could go wrong I ask myself?And I begin watching the movie.I wont go into the details because I myself do not like blabbering too much.There are a lot of people who keep talking even when it is perfectly clear that no one is interested in listening to them.I am the quiet type.When I speak it is to the point and witty.It’s my intellectual nature.I cant help it.
So anyways,to cut a short story long,firstly the sound of the movie was very soft.Yes it was audible enough,but not audible enough to distinguish the dialogues spoken in an American accent.Not one to give up though,I downloaded the subtitles and began watching the movie.However even here fate was against me.The subtitles were out of sync with the movie.Now I am not a guy to complain quickly but this was even too much for me.The subtitles appeared half-a-second earlier than the dialogues were spoken.That’s the quality of work done these days.Whatever happened to good decent men like myself?
Anyways by now it was time for me to take a shower and have my lunch.The morning was wasted.I cursed those confounded sociapaths and homophobs for qualifying for the quarters without informing me at least 5 days in advance.No sense of responsibility I think to myself.They made a nice hard-working lad like meself,idle away the entire morning.This is how the work culture of our country has detoriated.Honest boys led astray due to no fault of their own.I hope that I wont go down that road.I know you have enjoyed this account a lot but I am going to have to ask to take leave of you.HEY!this is free.How much more do you want??And really!!You don’t have to thank me for doing this…it was no trouble at all.

Random Thoughts of a Jobless Tramp

Last night I was watching the movie scarface.It had Al Pacino in it.Al Pacino is of course best known for “The Godfather”.The Godfather is rated by many as the best movie of all time.George Best was the greatest player of Manchester United.Manchester United lost 4-1 to Liverpool recently.The legendary band “The Beatles” hail from Liverpool.The word beatle rhymes with seattle.The movie “Sleepless in Seattle” had Tom Hanks in the lead role.Tom Hanks’ worst performance was probably in “The Da Vinci Code”.Leonardo Da Vinci was a scientist besides being an artist.Leonardo de Caprio was awesome in Titanic.Titanic was directed by James Cameron.James Cameron also directed the superb action movies The Terminator.The Terminator had Arnold Schwarzennegar in the lead role.Arnie is now the governor of California.Hotel California is the defining song of eagles.”Where eagles dare” starred Clint Eastwood during his early years.Clint Eastwood directed “Changeling” last year which was nominated for Oscars.Slumdog Millionaire won 8 oscars with Rahman winning two.Rahman’s Delhi 6 was better than Slumdog Millionaire.Delhi 6 actress sonam kapoor debuted in the movie sawariya by Sanjay Leela Bhansali.Bhansali is rumoured to be remaking The Prestige.The Prestige starred Christian Bale and hugh jackman.If you are still reading this post you be sure that you are completely jobless like me.People are jobless because of recession.Recession caused the stock markets to crash.Crash starred Brad Pitt.I like Brad Pitt.I can go on like this for hours.But even jobless people need break from their jobless escapades.So I am gonna take a break from taking a break…and………..well………..take a break.If you have read till here it means you are not only jobless,but you also love to torture yourself.If you love to torture yourself you should go and watch Aag.Not read my post.so get lost.I am not writing another word.

(I had no intention of torturing you with this.I was merely trying to kill time…no wait…murder time…slaughter time….assasinate time…anyway…I failed…)