The Truth

“What is the truth?”-Pontius Pilate trying to be a smartass.

“You want the truth?You can’t handle the truth.”-Jack Nicholson on Tom Cruise wanting to sleep with The Truth.

“I always tell the truth.Even when I lie”-Al Pacino on how he rats out everyone's secrets to Inspector The Truth.

Truth-(not to be confused with the pro-wrestler with the in-ring name R-Truth who knows just one silly rap song and sings it every time and has jobbed in more matches than anyone in the history of pro-wrestling.And all characters in this article are fictional.Including the pro-wrestler mentioned in the previous sentence.Any resemblance is purely co-incidental.Now go chew on that.)

The truth is one of the most ambigious characters in human history.It is often said to be biased towards victors and unfair towards the defeated.The Truth could also be a bad sit-com starring Gerard Butler and Jon Cryer where there is nothing to laugh about but the laughter track is still rolling on the floor laughing.But that is just digressing from  the point of the article which is to find the truth.

The truth is someone whom  everyone claims to be looking for but no-one actually likes.

Case in point-

“I am a really bad person”-to this statement the answer in 90 percent of the case should be yes TRUTHfully.But the tried and tested answer which works in this case is “No your not”.

Truth has a hot girlfriend called Lies-whom everyone likes because she’s kind of a slut and usually satisfies everyone.As is the hypocritic nature of human beings everyone claims to hate lies but everyone is in bed with her.Yet truth sticks with this cheating bitch because without Lies there won’t be the Truth.

In his young age the truth used to be a very athletic and gullible guy.All brawns no brains.That’s why he could easily be twisted and manipulated.Nowadays no one bothers with that though.Whenever there’s a job to be done everyone employs his girlfriend.

Truth used to be bosom buddies with the fictional character Yudhistira-But he wasn’t much of an adviser.When he listened to truth Yudhistira lost his kingdom,had to go live in a forrest and share his wife with his 4 bro-hams.But one day after he listened to his other pal Krishna instead of Truth-he got back everything.Since then truth is never the best friend of everyone.

Truth is usually disliked by most because he is very arrogant and brash and doesn’t care for people’s feelings.Then there’s this dude called Poetic Justice whom Truth can’t stand and hamper his work at every possible chance.

Despite all his shortcomings-everyone meets Truth once in a life face to face-and even though he is a no-good angry foul-mouthed son of a bitch-most usually feel lighter after they have met him.Which is why I guess he still lives on to this day.

And with that I conclude this article.My parents did not send me to study engineering for this.Yet this is how pathetic I have become.And that’s the TRUTH.

How to be an Indian Intellectual in 10 easy steps

1.Hate Orkut.Show it.Even if you don’t hate orkut-show some hatred.Ridicule it.Generalize it’s users.This will earn you 10000 points in your intellectual account.

2.Show your public hatred of Chetan Bhagat.You may like him but do you want to be an intellectual or not?Remember how many crappy and clichéd IIT novels he inspired and your job will become easier.

3.Show your hatred for Twilight and Justin Bieber.Show it regularly.Show it frequently.Nothing says intellectual better than I hate Twilight and Bieber.It’s ok if you have no idea who or what they are.Most don’t so nobody’s gonna test you.

4.Be a communist.Or act like one.Throw in the words Marx,Lenin,philosophy,ideals,Che Guavera,Communist Manifesto in your conversations.Trust me no one will know the difference.Real communists will take the word out of your mouth and give you a long-winded explaination.Fakers won’t know the difference.They will think you are some big wiseass.

5.Now,this one is worth a 1000000 points so listen up carefully-Grow long hair.Wear some junk jewellery.Doesn’ matter if you are a guy or a girl.Dope and booze and wear Jim Morrison T-shirts.Form a band with another couple of wannabe intellectuals.Post pictures of yourself playing a guitar or boozing on Facebook.There ya go.You are an intellectual.It’s ok if you have no idea of who Jim Morrison,Kurt Cobain,Metallica etc are.Most of them don’t.

6.Now you have to realize how important Facebook is for this purpose.Facebook can make you.For example if you have seen half of Citizen Kane and felt pretty bored-it doesn’t matter.Go to Facebook and like Citizen Kane,Orson Welles and anything remotely related to that movie.Because intellectual people like Citizen Kane-do you want to be or intellectual or not?then suppose you overhear or oversee a couple of guys discussing French New Wave-you don’t have to know what it is-just go and like the damn thing on Facebook will you?Facebook likes are meant for showboating only.

7.Pretend to be a soccer fan.You don’t have to be one.Just say I support Manchester United.Remember they win a lot of trophies and you want to come off as an winner don’t you?Nowadays you can also support Barcelona-And on match-days you don’t even have to watch the goddamned matches-just update your status on Facebook and tweet with the following from time to time- “Go Barcaaaaaaaa” “GGMU” “Go Messiiiiiiiii”.

8.Show your hatred for commercial Bollywood.Make fun of Bollywood in every possible way.Even if you watch every damn movie of Bollywood-but remember-you are now becoming an intellectual and intellectuals hate Bollywood!!You can be an Aamir Khan or Anurag Kashyap fan though-most people think they are “different” making “different” movies-You don’t have to know like their movies-Just praise them a lot.And your job is done.

9.Use the F-word the MF-word,the B-word a lot.Throw it in before as many words as you can.That’s what intellectuals do.Don’t you watch MTV and Channel V reality shows?F-words are the in thing-so use them.

10.Write wannabe smart-ass blog posts which are hopelessly derivative or completely devoid of humour.Like this one.If you blog no one can stop you from being considered an intellectual.

Right Here Write Now

I have been entrusted to write a play for the kids to enact during a function in our neighbourhood. Now don’t ask me why they chose me of all people-I guess I am the only one who would do it for free. And the guy whose play they could criticize if the audience doesn’t laugh. 8 hours from the morning and I can’t think of anything funny to write about. I don’t know if this happens with all comedy writers. I have no idea because I have never attempted to write one. I usually write dark stuff-you know-the ones which you read after your girlfriend has dumped you-or you have failed a maths test. Yeah man-I write some heavy shit-good or bad-either way it’s guaranteed to make you feel suicidal. So what do I know about writing a comedy?
Well honestly these committee people don’t care-Ha ha. COMMITTEE-remember we were told in our English classes-that is the only word with double m,double t and double e.HA HA. Funny.
Ok coming back to what I was saying-they want a comedy written and they want it now-they could have just adopted some old comedy story performed a gazillion times but no!!! They have to put this on me to humiliate me.
This is what I was thinking when my mobile started vibrating loudly. I hate the ringtone of my cell phone-But this is an old model where only one ringtone is available.I tried keeping it on vibrate mode but as I am a thick-skinned person so couldn’t feel the vibrations most of the time-made me miss my mother’s phone calls many times-She figured I was doing drugs or alcohol in the least.
So anyway this wasn’t my mother who was calling-and NO!!!unlike One Night @ Call Centre it wasn’t God either. Now here’s something I don’t understand.Why would the caller ID there show God calling???I mean if even God obtained that guy’s number(pretty tough job considering the huge database he had to sift through to obtain one loser guy’s number) then shouldn’t it just display God’s number. Anyway I have always maintained God won’t waste his balance on a loser even if he does want to talk to him.At best he would give a missed call.Or sms him if he had free sms balance.
So as I was saying-it was my best friend calling.Well technically I don’t have a best friend because I am the dark brooding kinda guy-at least I think of myself like that.I’M BATMAN!!Ok well my friend was calling to see if I would be able to accompany him and a bunch of other guys to a Hindi movie that evening.Yeah right-I don’t have anything else to do,do I?It’s not as if little kiddies are looking up to me to write them a comedy so that they can enact it.
And I just sat there staring at the Microsoft Word document-with Eminem songs playing in the background.And for the uninitiated Eminem songs aren’t exactly the best inspiration for a comedy-Let me illustrate-most Eminem love songs end with him raping or killing the girl-I mean FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!I like dark and brooding but that ain’t cool-that’s disgusting.
A little later the World Cup is about to begin-funny thing about the World Cup-It turns harmless meek Bengalis into Brazilian tigers,Argentinian animals and German lions for a month.Funny as hell to see them shouting-“AMADER BRAAAZIL JITECHHE(Our Brazil has won).
Another thing about the World Cup is that only famous countries get to play their-look at some of the teams there-Japan-famous for earthquakes and animes...Brazil-famous for Orkut hackers....England-famous for bad food and weather...South Africa-famous for racial tension and Vuvuzelas...crap India ain’t famous for anything..We can never play the World Cup.

Anyway it’s time for the World Cup.I am giving this up as a bad job.Will have to inform the C-O-M-M-I-T-T-E-E people.HA ha.Ok that’s it for now.I’ll see ya around.bye bye.

P.S.-I know the question on your mind right now-What the f***???

Point of View

Well....just sharing certain interesting observations I have made recently...I mean they seem pretty uninteresting to you...but I found them mildly interesting...

1.As all of you know there's a site called twitter where people share their thoughts,activities etc...But nowadays it's getting a bit too literal...read this..

8.30 am-Eating breakfast
9.00 am-Breakfast finished
9.10 am-wearing a shirt
9.20 am-Wearing a a pant now

I dont think this is exactly what the creators of the site had in mind.....I guess we are lucky guys arent posting the color of their underwears yet....


2.I wish I was living in the wild west...you know..having a beer with Clint Eastwood or John Wayne....riding with Jimmy Stewart.. nobody to bother me...but noooo!!!I am here in the 21st century where some dude interrupts me while I am watching a most engaging scene in The Big Lebowski to complain and whine about how the girl who dumped him 3 years ago suddenly came to his thoughts now and is making him feel suicidal;...dude...you are making ME feel suicidal...I didn't dump you did I??then why inflict this punishment on me??By the way did it ever occur to you that she could have dumped you coz you are a pathetic loser??just a thought....


3.I seem to miss out on everything...I mean...when I was in school...they gave out those cool looking badges when we were in the last year....when I am in college our library becomes digital and talks of a canteen being opened surface when I am in the last semester of third year....Even when I used to ride buses they looked like someone had chewed 'em up and spit 'em out...but now since I have stopped riding them...they are all brand new and foreign looking...I bet if I leave Kolkata..It would become the next Las Vegas and y'all would own 3 casinos each....

4.Nowadays we hear a lot about how people hate Shiv Sena.....They are like the ultimate villains of the country....They are the hindi movies corrupt politicians we used to hate as kids...Now we are venting our anger against them for being insufferable pricks....I think those fellas are just angry....they need to relax...slow down a little...spend time with friends...laugh and joke...or else if they continue like this Sunny Deol and Mithun Chakravarty are gonna beat the shit outta them.....like they did in those movies....

5.This time of the year....there are a lot of weddings going on...and nice people who never harmed anyone in their lives,,,,get married because they have a whole lot of dreams..although I will be damned if I understand what's so dreamy about being a family man and having a hundred thousand respomsibilites??and spending your money on your kids...those nasty little brats...but do people EVER warn them during their weddings???NO!!!they laugh and stand and celebrate.-'HA HA...LET SOMEONE ELSE SUFFER TOO WHAT I AM SUFFERING'....the food's good though.....

6.Nowadays I hardly sleep before 4 am...even though I am really tired and havent slept all day....My mom said my biological clock has been altered....I hope it's not insomnia....then I would have to go to all those support groups and open a fight club,,,,and have an imaginary alter-ego who is gonna fuck me up bad....now is that a good thing or a bad thing?

7.Artists these days have such weirdass names..Lady Gaga..what the hell kind of a name is that???Sounds like some old duchess crossed with an african witch....and what's with this Gaga fan and taylor swift fans warring all the time...i mean..COME ON...both suck...you are now gonna argue about who sucks more???It's worse thah Shah Rukh and Aamir fans arguing about you who looks more gay..so that..you know..they can win the gay icon of the year award..which is the only one they havent won yet.....

8.The reality shows these days are so cheap and reflect the cultural degeneration of the nation in general....the girls look like bimbos...the guys like pornstars..with pumped up bodies...moan and bitch about each other all the time...I have tried to figure out what they actually need to do to win the,,..ah well..i guess whoever bitches the best wins...and what's surprising is they keep garnering such huge TRPs.....

well...those are about it...do share your views...you know..if you want to..

These days and I

You wanna grow up sometime
You have to let it go
Leave the world of Dylan behind
Wild west,time does flow
Live in your times
Sing your songs
Don’t bother if it rhymes
Don’t bother if it’s wrong
Just try to put up a show


You wanna win someone over
You have to give something dear
Have to fight and bleed and fall
And have to lose your fear
Show some guts
Ask her out
No ifs and buts
Damn all doubts
Just try not to be a queer


Hey people.wanna hear a story?
It’s about alice and the hatter
He served her tea and cut her head
And then he put it on a platter
That’s how it happened
And not as they say
Everything’s not fine
Hide and pray
And hope you don’t meet Dr.Hannibal Lecter.


Gone are the days of jack and jill
Now is the time for a Righteous Kill
Can’t think straight would mean you are gay
Holla man you just made my day
Look into my eyes
What do you see?
Hate or love?
Or sympathy?
Nope it’s just indifference all the way.

20TH OCTOBER 2017

Good Evening ladies and gentlemen.I am your news host for now and let’s have a look at the top news stories today-


~Wipro has threatened to leave India after the Eden Gardens incident in which some angry tollygunge agragami supporters burnt down Eden Gardens after a cricket field brawl,ensuing from a dubious no-ball call,blew out of proportions.This is the third cricket-ground vandalism incident of the year.Although experts are at a loss how this would possibly effect wipro.I,my friends am at a loss thinking who these experts are.I saw a guy who used to pass the exams cheating in college being addressed as an expert


~After successfully having banned MTV,Channel V,Zoom,AXN,FTV among others the Shiv Sena party today urged the government to ban the sports channel Ten Sports as they felt the skirts worn by the female hockey players in hockey matches shown by the channel are indecent.On similar grounds they have also called for a ban on ESPN and Star Sports with respect to female tennis players.


~In a bid to cement their reputation as a secular party the Indian National Congress today passed a bill making Din-e-Elahi the national religion of Inida.
In related news ,members of the BJP today burned effigies of Superman and Batman showing their disapproval for what they term as the gay leanings of these American superheroes.A top BJP leader today stated that it was obvious that any male person who wore underwears on the outside was obviously gay.


Entertainement News:

~Sanjay Leela Bhansali today announced his next movie-Pink.Bhansali had previously made movies on six different colours most of which bombed-both commercially and critically.Undeterred,Bhansali is making his next movie which have a feministic theme and is about two college girls who will be played by Ranbir Kapoor and Aamir Khan.


~Himesh Reshammiya today quashed all rumours about dating Rakhi Sawant.In an impassioned statement the actor stated that his present situation was very frustrating but not even that frustrating.He also announced that he would be soon having a plastic surgery done and hopes to do a Michael Jackson.


~Meanwhile Abhishek Bachchan and John Abraham-who now rival the popularity of the SRK-Kajol pair are returning together again for their next movie-Dostana-se thoda zyada-In this movie Abhishek and John play a happily married gay couple whose lives are rocked by the arrival of a sexy stranger played by Hrithik Roshan.This is the 7th time they play a gay couple.Their last film together was Paap Punyam in which they played a star-crossed couple during the vedic ages.


~Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie today adopted their 32nd baby from a Chinese family.Pitt said that their aim was to reach 50 by 2020.
~In other news,Johnny Depp was arrested for the murder of 5 people in New York.Depp,known for his method acting,said he was preparing for his role as a serial killer in an upcoming movie.


Sports News:

~Sachin Tendulkar confirmed he will be playing for India in the next World Cup.


~Arsenal coach Arsene Wenger was sacked today after Arsenal’s 11th trophyless season.Wenger was almost immediately appointed the coach of the French national team.Wenger said it was like a homecoming for him.


~Cristiano Ronaldo today retired from football after 8 years with Real Madrid.When asked what were his plans for the future,Ronaldo replied that he was looking forward to opening a strip bar in his own house as he found it cumbersome to travel..


~The Sourav Ganguly coached Kolkata Knight Riders today suffered their 8th defeat of the season.Surprisingly all of these were by a single run.Owner Shah Rukh Khan said he had already sent an sms to each player to cheer them up.Cricket experts in Bengal however unanimously concurred that this was a clear conspiracy to end Sourav’s career as coach.

That’s the news from now.Thank you and good night.

Ramblings of a wasted morning

Its been raining incessantly from the morning.Usually on days like this I would be fighting my way through a crowded office-time bus,half-drenched,cursing below my breath while trying to reach that fiasco of an institution(is that even proper English?) I have come to call my college over the past three years.But since our good-for-nothing departmental football team miraculously qualified for the quarter-finals we-those sane people who didn’t find going to play football to the other end of city and getting drenched in the rain for 5 hours a very attractive prospect-got an unexpected holiday.
Its holidays like these that really bother me.Now,I don’t know if you know this,but I consider myself to be a very active and energetic person.When I have holidays I plan for them 10 days beforehand and I follow my routine of watching movies,reading comics or winning gang wars in computer games very strictly.So when the routine gets upset,so do I.But being a very persistent fellow,I decided not to waste the day,but use it for doing some constructive work.
The first thing that I thought of doing was studying and completing the syllabus for my forth-coming internals.On days like this when I feel like studying,I am a difficult guy to control.I started thinking.Maybe if I started studying now and study 8-9 hours straight I might get the syllabus for at least 3 subjects completed.I envisioned my mother urging me to stop studying and have dinner.”You have studied a lot” she is saying “I wont let you study anymore.You will become sick.Come and have some food.Watch a movie”;but I tell her “No ma,I gotta finish this right now;this is the only aim in my life;let me pursue this obsession of mine”.See this is how enthusiastic I get.But I have tremendous control over myself.And I exercise that control to keep myself away from books.See I have to do all these to protect my reputation.Because I firmly believe that the most valuable possession of a man is his reputation.Actually those were Shakespeare’s words (in whatever freaky old English he wrote,bless his soul).But he died about 400-500 years ago so I don’t think he would mind too much.
So anyways,I lost a lot of time in visualizing all this.”Damn” I thought irritably “There goes a perfectly usable half an hour.Totally wasted.I better begin watching a movie or something.”But it’s easier said than done.I began watching The Deer Hunter which I have heard was a classic.Moreover it starred Robert De Niro who is my favourite actor.A classic with your favourite actor.What could go wrong I ask myself?And I begin watching the movie.I wont go into the details because I myself do not like blabbering too much.There are a lot of people who keep talking even when it is perfectly clear that no one is interested in listening to them.I am the quiet type.When I speak it is to the point and witty.It’s my intellectual nature.I cant help it.
So anyways,to cut a short story long,firstly the sound of the movie was very soft.Yes it was audible enough,but not audible enough to distinguish the dialogues spoken in an American accent.Not one to give up though,I downloaded the subtitles and began watching the movie.However even here fate was against me.The subtitles were out of sync with the movie.Now I am not a guy to complain quickly but this was even too much for me.The subtitles appeared half-a-second earlier than the dialogues were spoken.That’s the quality of work done these days.Whatever happened to good decent men like myself?
Anyways by now it was time for me to take a shower and have my lunch.The morning was wasted.I cursed those confounded sociapaths and homophobs for qualifying for the quarters without informing me at least 5 days in advance.No sense of responsibility I think to myself.They made a nice hard-working lad like meself,idle away the entire morning.This is how the work culture of our country has detoriated.Honest boys led astray due to no fault of their own.I hope that I wont go down that road.I know you have enjoyed this account a lot but I am going to have to ask to take leave of you.HEY!this is free.How much more do you want??And really!!You don’t have to thank me for doing this…it was no trouble at all.

Angrier Than Thou

Good morning ladies and gentlemen.I am Anish Dutta and I will be here commentator today for the anger competition.Today is Election day.clap clap clap!!What a beautiful day for getting angry!!Today all of us have the license to be as much angry as we like.

The following is the list of 10 people who have reasons to be angry or are always angry:

2.SHAH RUKH KHAN-Well,during December he watched helplessly as Aamir Khan stole his thunder (and his limelight) when Aamir’s Ghajini routed his movie Rab ne.Things have been going from bad to worse for him since then as his home production Billu Barbar failed miserably….and then his team KKR(they said they have removed Kolkata from the name…so now I think it stands for Khan Knight Riders) got crushed match after match.So the number 10 spot goes to our very own King Khan for having many reasons to get angry.

3.Christian Bale-This guy is un-fucking-believable.After fucking getting into a load of fucking trouble for fucking beating up his mom,this guy went batshit crazy (pun intended) on the fucking sets of T4 and used the fucking f-word 37 fucking times in 4 fucking minutes.Looks like this guy always finds a fucking reason to lose his cool.He is at number 4.

4.The people of West Bengal-People are either angry for the loss of the Nano,or they are angry for the fiasco in Nandigram.They are also angry at Dada losing captaincy and for KKR losing in the IPL.They are also angry because of job-cuts,power-cuts,increasing rates of hair-cuts.Or they are just angry anyways.

5.Wolverine-He was hoping compete with Batman in term’s of the movies financial success…unfortunately some scum released the movie on torrent long before it hit the screens.As a result,everyone watched it long before it hit the screens.As a result it was beaten by even “Ghosts of girlfriends past” at the box-office.So people,don’t watch the pirated copy.Do you really want this on your conscience??Do you really want a movie like “ghosts of girlfriends past” to win?

6.Politicians all over the world-Because they are the most abused,hated and maligned people in the world.They have even managed to beat lawyers.And that’s really saying something.

7.People whose lives have been affected by terrorists-Those people who haven’t been affected by terrorism won’t know what its like.I feel sorry for the terrorist if he came face to face with a guy who lost a lot because of terrorism.Sorry.I take that back.I don’t feel sorry at all.

8.English People-Despite inventing most of things,their performance in all of them is pathetic.Even their language got raped by the Americans.

9.Eminem-He is always angry as his songs demonstrate.His troubled childhood,and a troubled family life contributed to this.He married the same woman twice.And divorced her twice.Now he is dating her again.His fans don’t seem to care.They think he rocks!!!I am one of his fans.

10.Devdas-He would have been completely pissed off seeing SRK and bhansali’s “devdas”.He would come alive and kill abhay deol if he saw Dev D.

And now ladies and gentlemen.its time to announce the number one.Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the number one is:-

1.GOD-For seeing the world he created become totally screwed up.