Monday, September 20, 2010

How to be an Indian Intellectual in 10 easy steps

1.Hate Orkut.Show it.Even if you don’t hate orkut-show some hatred.Ridicule it.Generalize it’s users.This will earn you 10000 points in your intellectual account.

2.Show your public hatred of Chetan Bhagat.You may like him but do you want to be an intellectual or not?Remember how many crappy and clichéd IIT novels he inspired and your job will become easier.

3.Show your hatred for Twilight and Justin Bieber.Show it regularly.Show it frequently.Nothing says intellectual better than I hate Twilight and Bieber.It’s ok if you have no idea who or what they are.Most don’t so nobody’s gonna test you.

4.Be a communist.Or act like one.Throw in the words Marx,Lenin,philosophy,ideals,Che Guavera,Communist Manifesto in your conversations.Trust me no one will know the difference.Real communists will take the word out of your mouth and give you a long-winded explaination.Fakers won’t know the difference.They will think you are some big wiseass.

5.Now,this one is worth a 1000000 points so listen up carefully-Grow long hair.Wear some junk jewellery.Doesn’ matter if you are a guy or a girl.Dope and booze and wear Jim Morrison T-shirts.Form a band with another couple of wannabe intellectuals.Post pictures of yourself playing a guitar or boozing on Facebook.There ya go.You are an intellectual.It’s ok if you have no idea of who Jim Morrison,Kurt Cobain,Metallica etc are.Most of them don’t.

6.Now you have to realize how important Facebook is for this purpose.Facebook can make you.For example if you have seen half of Citizen Kane and felt pretty bored-it doesn’t matter.Go to Facebook and like Citizen Kane,Orson Welles and anything remotely related to that movie.Because intellectual people like Citizen Kane-do you want to be or intellectual or not?then suppose you overhear or oversee a couple of guys discussing French New Wave-you don’t have to know what it is-just go and like the damn thing on Facebook will you?Facebook likes are meant for showboating only.

7.Pretend to be a soccer fan.You don’t have to be one.Just say I support Manchester United.Remember they win a lot of trophies and you want to come off as an winner don’t you?Nowadays you can also support Barcelona-And on match-days you don’t even have to watch the goddamned matches-just update your status on Facebook and tweet with the following from time to time- “Go Barcaaaaaaaa” “GGMU” “Go Messiiiiiiiii”.

8.Show your hatred for commercial Bollywood.Make fun of Bollywood in every possible way.Even if you watch every damn movie of Bollywood-but remember-you are now becoming an intellectual and intellectuals hate Bollywood!!You can be an Aamir Khan or Anurag Kashyap fan though-most people think they are “different” making “different” movies-You don’t have to know like their movies-Just praise them a lot.And your job is done.

9.Use the F-word the MF-word,the B-word a lot.Throw it in before as many words as you can.That’s what intellectuals do.Don’t you watch MTV and Channel V reality shows?F-words are the in thing-so use them.

10.Write wannabe smart-ass blog posts which are hopelessly derivative or completely devoid of humour.Like this one.If you blog no one can stop you from being considered an intellectual.

26 comments:

mrinal said...

a punch on the face of wannabes!!!
nice post!

Samadrita said...

LOL. I agree with everything. :)

Pulkit said...

Lol, I feel exactly the same. Agreed with everything but the point about Citizen Kane. Some people really love citizen Kane, those who don't always say so.

Soumya Banerjee said...

I have a few feathers to add...
Show that u r anti-communist and u don't even like capitalism...just say..."there shud a balance which the modern society lacks!"and when u say so, just smile a little, people will think u r a genius...it doesn't matter if don't know the diff btwn the 2!
Next, support arsenal...and let people know it, they'll think u really understand real football and u don't go by trophies, big-names or jersey colors, doesn't matter if u don't know or spell the first name of Chamakh!! :P

Dev said...

I have a lot of commonalities with whatever points you have put up here about how to be an 'intellectual'...however thing is I don't fake it and so got slight pissed reading the article. I do have a similar hatred for such wannabes and I feel the article could have been much much better...

just my two cents :)

Anish said...

@mrinal,samadrita-thanks a lot!!

Anish said...

@pulkit-I know dude...even I am a huge Citizen Kane fan..but many do it just to seem intellectual...what can I say..that's how it is...

Anish said...

@soumya-saying you're a communist sounds more intellectual than saying you're a capitalist and most wannabes haven't ever heard of Arsenal coz they don't win a lot recently...

Anish said...

@dev-The post had more traits in common with me than anyone else... :D See some people like you do it coz they mean it...but many others do it coz they are wannabes...that's just who I tried to portray...there are many who ape the real intellectuals...watching transformers,harry potter,crank and claiming to be movie buffs....

Ankit said...

awe-fucking-some..shit did that just make me an intellectual? U forgot mentioning people who haven't understood a bit of Pulp Fiction, but say its d best..people who hate contemporary bengali movies and sighs how good Ray was..n people who write almost illegible bengali poems crooning about Kolkata and moonlit nights..the last variety usually wears panjabis, have long hair and invariably has some kind of beard, the goatee and french cut being the most common..

OD abhishek said...

:D

Ananya said...

haha...that's sarcastic as well as funny...well-written!!!

Anish said...

@ankit-thanks..and the points you said are for bengali intellctuals..I just generalized for an Indian... :D

Anish said...

@OD and anaya-thanks a lot!!

BAPIN said...

since when these "Go Barcaaaaaaaa” “GGMU” “Go Messiiiiiiiii” became traits of an antel??

Quintessence Of Illusion said...

Hehehehe......i enjoyed it like anything..amazing..about Citizen Kane,Communists,Bhagat,Beiber,Orkut,Twilight,Band tees,unwanted junk jewellery...i couldnt agree with you more...it made a lot of sense

Anish said...

@Bapin-since it became fashionable to watch EPL and La Liga...

Anish said...

@QOI-hey thanks a lot.Your opinion means a lot to me. :)

Sayandeep Kundu said...

O that was just so hilariously true about the wannabes of our time...brilliant post .. :D

BAPIN said...

what do you mean by since it became fashionable?

Anish said...

@bapin-Well there was a time when very few of us watched soccer.Now everyone say they watch the epl-and most of them claim to support Man Utd-even though they don't even know the names of all the players in Man Utd let alone the other teams.true story.

Anish said...

@sayandeep-thank you so much man!!hope you like my blog!

BAPIN said...

okay... so by rendering something as fashionable or the latest trend of being interested in something without actually being into it as you put it..is this how one becomes an antel(Indian), is that your point?

Anish said...

@Bapin-exactly-but they think they are becoming intellectuals..whereas in reality they are pseudos..that's my point...

BAPIN said...

fine, but I failed to notice any categorisation. It seemed you made a broad generalisation on Indian intellectuals.

Tanay said...

LOL.. Really funny and sarcastic.. Marvellous read